As I awoke to the Patriarchy, and the lies I had been fed about what it meant to be a woman. From society, from my family, from my social groups. That women should be thin, live their lives on a diet trying to be thinner or stay thin. I went through a period of mourning this old ideal, and I had to rewrite my narrative about what it meant to be a woman and what it meant to be me!
Who was I?
Who even was I if I wasn’t this though?
I lost my identity for a while, feeling like a fish swimming against the tide, desperate to fit in anywhere.
I tried on a few identities… An alcoholic? No, I’m being extreme. Although I really want to be a part of a group, feel like I have a family.
A Sex & Love Addict? I enjoyed that one… it’s less about Sex as you might imagine and more about relationships, the way we behave, seek attention, fantasies about relationships, control, and most importantly (for me) people-pleasing. I learned a lot in my few months of 12 step recovery.
I even went a couple of times to ACA (adult children of alcoholics) and dysfunctional families. I identified with lots of family drama there and I found a safe space to talk freely, be HEARD, and also learn to LISTEN. I also got used to being SEEN.
I then went on to identify as a Bisexual.
The thing is, none of these labels matter, who I am and what I do doesn’t concern anyone but me. I may be none of these things, but I also may be all of them and at different times of my life. I get to decide how I want to identify and I reserve the right to change that at any time.
I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. BUT If it does, ask yourself why? Do you wish you could change your identity? Do you not want to do that job anymore? Be married to that person anymore? Do you want to divorce your own parents or even your children? Do you want a different sexuality, different sex? Different hairstyle?
OR are you happy just as you are and are you happy being the same as everyone else? This is also ok.
As a recovering people pleaser, no wonder I lost my identity so many times as I was ok changing me to suit you. Now I’m afraid, I have to suit me and that means many of you will leave………… Deep Sigh…
No really, I’m ok with that.
If you don’t like who I choose to be then you don’t accept me as my true authentic self. Then you weren’t meant to be in my life anyway. I’m not for you. I won’t be for everyone.
I’d rather have people who ‘love’ me and ‘hate’ me than have everyone just ‘like’ me whilst I exhaust myself trying to please everyone.
Love Alice aka Nicola. Aka whatever the f**k I want 🙂